Two mothers are walking with their children. One is holding her child’s hand, while the other walks freely alongside her child.
– “Oh my, your daughter is so independent. How do you do it?” asks the first mother.
-“I allow her,” replies the second mother.
Simple? Not quite.
Independent, but in what way?
According to the Polish Language Dictionary, being independent means, among other things, that someone “manages on their own, doesn’t need help, creates a separate entity.” Independence refers to a teenager who makes decisions and faces their consequences. They decide how they want their hair to be, what dressing style they prefer, how they spend their pocket money, which they receive from us, their parents, based on their independent choices. Independence is a process of self-discovery, exploration, and trying new possibilities that come with adolescence, searching for their own identity. It involves the extremes that teenagers experience as they seek their own “self” and, as the developmental theorist Erik Erikson defines it, it is a process in which teenagers assert their distinctiveness from their parents and try to discover who they are and who they want to be. Independence is ultimately a path towards building self-esteem, experiencing their own emotions, and developing the competencies needed for adult life. But how do we reconcile their choices when we see that they do not align with our beliefs or values?
Why don’t we allow independence?
We love our children, and when you love someone, you care for them. It’s easy to fall into the trap of overprotection. Parents often want to shield their children from the hardships of the world because they fear they might get hurt, feel sad, or be disappointed. They believe that as parents, they can do things faster and better, that their teenager doesn’t know what they want, so they provide guidance based on their own experiences. After all, as parents, we know that it’s best to become a doctor or a lawyer rather than, for example, a pastry chef. The boundaries we set for our children are often rigid, inadequate, often unspoken and untested. We set them because we know better, forgetting about our own growth. While these boundaries are important in life, it’s worth remembering that the most important ones are those that allow freedom. At the same time, we need to make the other side aware that crossing these boundaries often means infringing on the rights of others or violating the norms applicable in a given space, and every step has consequences.
The parent as a “supportive coach” from the sidelines of the field.
Upbringing, setting boundaries, formulating basic rules, supporting, and imparting knowledge as a parent… Then the game begins. The child steps onto the field like a player, carrying various things in their mind acquired from home. They face others and must cope, try, and find their place in this metaphorical game of life. They check whether it’s better to be a striker or a defender, or perhaps a goalkeeper. As a coach, all we can do is observe and occasionally provide guidance from the sidelines. However, whether the player hears and applies our advice is beyond our control. And just like a “supportive coach,” we can celebrate after a victory or console after a defeat. We can support them in case of an “injury” or discuss a new strategy after a bad choice. But the experience gained from the game teaches the player the consequences of every move.
But is it worth it?
Is it worth allowing them to spend their pocket money on something completely unnecessary from the perspective of a parent? Shouldn’t we first discuss the consequences of such a purchase, especially when just a moment ago, our teenager was saving money for something they really cared about? Is it worth talking about what pink hair or a black outfit represents before criticizing and forbidding? In the end, the child will do their own thing as soon as the parent is out of sight. Excessive control can only lead to the child deceiving us and ceasing to communicate with us due to adolescent rebellion. We can support their choices and experiences by asking questions like, “What does this choice mean to you?”, “How can I support you in this?”, “How do you plan to achieve it?”, etc. These questions will give the teenager a sense of importance, trust, and security, and in the future, they will have the resource of independence…
…, because an independent teenager becomes an independent adult in the future.
Agnieszka Pierzchalska
Literature:
Mackenzie, J.R. (2018). Teenagers. When to Allow? When to Forbid? Sopot: GWP
https://sjp.pwn.pl/szukaj/samodzielny.html
